Tag Archives: live

Facing The Darkness

Last year I wrote Running From The Darkness and opened up about my struggle with finding meaning in my life and dealing with low thoughts of self worth and depression. It took a lot for me to write that and to be completely vulnerable to the world. Now, I have come full circle.

Prior to moving to Durango, my experience with meditation was very minimal. It was inconsistent and I only went for 10 minutes at a time. I mainly did it before bed to relax, reduce stress and to sleep better. Little did I know I was just skimming the surface.

When I first got to my new town, I discovered that there was a meditation center and a few nights out of the week there were group meditation sits. Usually they last as long as 45 minutes and then the leader does a talk afterwards.

If you haven’t meditated before or if you are new to it like myself, 45 minutes is a long ass time to be completely alone in your head. Sometimes my mind is going 100 mph and sometimes my mind is completely clear. Sometimes I am in complete bliss and sometimes I am digging deep in the dark corners that have been tucked away my entire life.

Meditation and mindfulness is not just about finding positivity in yourself and the world around. Part of it is about becoming aware of negative thoughts and emotions too.

When you become more mindful you begin to ask yourself why you do what you do, why you say what you say and why to think the way you think. It’s almost like a way of asking yourself, who am I?

A lot of the things we tell ourselves, whether good or bad, are from a lifetime of experiences and somehow we have become conditioned to think that way.

For some reason, I was conditioned to think that I was worthless, that my life had no meaning and I wasn’t happy. Maybe those feelings were rooted in my lack of finding meaningful work that I loved and/or from all of my failed relationships.

I truly believed all of the negativity I was feeding myself.

I used my passion of running to push all of that aside and to chase a life of happiness. I was running from myself and the darkness. It was a quick fix, but no matter how far I ran it would always be with me.

“You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you.”

Lately I have been working on personal compassion. Compassion towards the world was one thing that I felt when I first began a consistent meditation practice. But I can be my own worst enemy and I wantedto dive into that area of my mind head on.

How I did that was with words of positive affirmations. After a few sits, I could tell a slight shift in my outlook on myself, but I knew there was more that I could do.

About 2 weeks ago, I was meditating and I realized that there was something that I have never said to myself.

The words “I love you” came out and I honestly couldn’t hold back the tears.

It felt like I finally saw myself as someone deserving of my own compassion and love. I was beginning to accept myself as someone who I would in normal life, like a friend or a loved one.

It was a relief to hear myself say those things to myself. Like I had been waiting all of my life to hear those words from me.

I continued with this practice and again, I didn’t realize there was a depth even further.

Last night, while at the group meditation we were doing a guided meditation. We were asked to think about someone who we are envious of and then we told to realize that we are all the same in that we share the same air, the same gravity, the same world. It doesn’t matter what others have or what other do.

We are all equals in this world.

Then the leader of the mediation said, “you are good enough.”

My internal armor dissolved.

Tears welled up and then they flowed down my face and I couldn’t hold them back.

She said it again and I felt free from myself. Free from all of my self hate that I had tucked away. Free from the shit I was running away from. I finally felt like me.

I was liberated from the internal cage I built inside as I struggled with life after graduating college. I finally felt like I deserved everything that there is good in life.

Later in the mediation she said “sometimes meditation is about going into the darkness with a flashlight, not about pushing it away.”

Last weekend’s race at Antelope Canyon was the first race I did after starting to be more compassionate with myself and it was the most enjoyable race I have ever done. I was solely running for the love of running. I wasn’t running for a certain time or for a certain place. I ran for the passion and not to try to make myself feel worthy and deserving of myself. I ran because I loved it. I ran free.

There is a reason why I wanted to share this with everyone. And it also goes with why I try to inspire everyone to follow their hearts. I believe part of my life’s purpose is to translate my experiences to everyone, so that they are inspired to take a chance at the life they want deep down.

So here is my message to everyone and I won’t stop reiterating it:

You are good enough. You are capable of amazing things and you deserve everything that your heart desires. You are beautiful. You are incredible. You are better than you think you are.

You are alive for a reason and that reason it to do amazing things. We have one chance at life, so go fucking for whatever it is that you want. Go for it. Like, right now.

There is that saying that “it’s about the journey, not the destination.” Well majority of the world is living as if they’re at the destination. Just sitting, coasting by and not truly living. They’re already dead. If it’s about the journey, then make it a journey. Doing something you hate everyday isn’t a journey, it’s a death sentence.

Wake up. Be alive. Be mindful of the world around you. Smile more. Taste this wonderful life. Appreciate everything around you. Be grateful to be alive. Wake up excited everyday. Take chances and take pictures. Dance and sing. Be free. Travel. Make mistakes. Learn and grow. Open your heart. Write your own story.

Do the world a favor and just be you.

The things you want are just on the other side of fear that you’ve made up in your mind. I have been on my path for a few years now and I can only say that it is fucking wonderful to see the world the way that I do. Don’t let others hold you back and don’t let yourself hold you back.

When you follow your heart, you meet the most beautiful people and go to the most beautiful places.

Go live. Chase your dreams. Follow you heart. Never stop living.

I know I still have a long way to travel down my road. I just hope you have the courage to travel down yours.

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Push Your Limits

Like the continuously expanding universe, I believe a person has unlimited potential. At a given moment, an individual is capable of achieving something and reaching a new limit, thus creating a new limit to what they can do. So they too are continuously expanding their universe. No one ever reaches their absolute maximum potential in life. It is imperative you always go and work for what you never thought was possible so you can keep pushing your limits, to live a life worth experiencing.

Are You Alive?

“Fortune favours the brave.” -Latin proverb

Think about life for a second. And I mean really think about it. Think about existence and the entire universe.

We are lucky as hell if you really think about it. Of all the galaxies, stars, planets and particles, we are the only living creatures that we know of.

You are alive!

Take a moment for that to soak in and appreciate it.

Now think about meaning and purpose of life for a second. In the grande scheme of things does what we do really matter?

Doesn’t everything appear to be ridiculous now?

Is there really a purpose and meaning to all of this?

The only thing that should matter is doing what burns inside of you. That is your purpose. That is why you are alive.

Don’t suppress that fire inside. If you do, you’re killing the lifeline of your being. You’re basically dead then.

You’re in this miraculous world with the least possible odds of even being here, why not do something incredible with this opportunity you have?

All the worry and fear you have conceived is natural but can be broken down in just one step towards your dreams.

Even take your past experiences. Has the worry ever amounted to what you felt appropriate? After the fact, you always, always realize that the worry was just uncalled for.

So take control of your life.

(Cue inspirational/cinematic music)

Be audacious!

Be heroic in your story and for everyone that looks up to you!

Take a leap and fly!

Be brave and go boldly into the direction your heart is pulling!

The one and only purpose in life is to be alive!

(Fade music)

Are you? Are you alive? Are you truly living the life you want?

The sweetness life has to offer is left for those that go after their purpose.

Nothing really matters. So why not go all out? Why not take a chance?

Go Fucking Live!

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(Taken during a sunrise hike)

Lately, I’ve reluctantly been getting up early to squeeze my run in for the day. But once I get moving, the warm bed stops calling my name and today as I crested the steep hill, I was greeted with a brilliant sunrise and herds of antelope and cow grazing in the morning glow.

This was why I came here. Running dead east into the sun, there was no other place I’d rather be running. Moments like that made me wish I had a camera at hand, but having the experience unique to myself makes it all the better.

When I just finished my run, a waitress on the ranch ran by me asking if I knew where the hospital in town was. She said a guest was having chest pains and needs to go right away. I ran in my cabin and took my running jacket off (yeah it’s still pretty cold in the morning here) and put on a dry hoodie. Then ran to a ranch car and rushed to the cabin the guest is staying in.

The ranch is about 16 miles away from town and up into the mountains. So just before we left, someone called the hospital and made plans to have us meet the ambulance half way.

The guy in pain was helped in the front seat by his wife and one of the ranch owners. And then the wife got in the back seat with a few bags packed, in case they had to stay over night at the hospital.

Surprisingly we talked almost like nothing was going on. Other than the concerned look on the wife’s face and her leaning forward and holding onto her husbands arms, it seemed like a normal ride.

Less than half way down, the ambulance made great time, we stopped on a pull off on the side of the road. He was put on a stretcher and loaded into the back. His wife got in as well and I followed them down to the hospital.

As I was driving down, I was thinking how precious life actually is. We get this one shot at it and it can be gone at any moment. We live day to day without even thinking about that fact. We take this wonderful opportunity of simply just being alive for granted and spend so much time wasting what limited time we have.

So go fucking live the life you want!

Do what you’ve always wanted to do. Travel to New Zealand, skydive, swim with sharks, climb mountains, write your book, dance your ass off, crank your music, quit your job, run with the bulls, sleep under the stars, open a restaurant, fall in love, go on a road trip, and most importantly have the biggest smile on your face. Whatever you constantly think about doing, do it.

Turn off the tv, your phone and get the hell away from the computer and go do something worth telling people about! There is no such thing as forever here on Earth.

Follow your heart and follow your passions. It will take you to wonderful places and you’ll meet some awesome people along the way. I believe that if you wait for the perfect time, you might end up waiting the rest of your life. So go for it! Go live!

(The guy is doing fine now. He was at the hospital for just a few hours before returning to the ranch so he can rest.)