I want to begin this by saying that my intentions for what I am about to write is to not receive sympathy from anyone. Nor do I want people to look at me from a different perspective.
Writing this could be the hardest thing that I will ever write about. And as someone who loves to write, it’s just part of me to want to get it out and express experiences.
I tend to bring up that I had difficulty finding myself and finding what I love to do after I graduated college like it was some unique and hard adversity that I had to over come. Mentally, for me though, it was and seemed to be a long and trying process.
I can be hard on myself a lot of the time. In reality though it doesn’t even compare to what others have gone through or are going through.
But one of the most dark times in my life came around this past Thanksgiving.
I’ve mentioned in my journey that I have felt purposeless, useless and insignificant many times, bringing on feelings of being completely lost and depressed. All of those negative emotions almost got the best of me then.
I woke up from an afternoon nap and I shed a few tears because of what I was thinking. I didn’t want to go on anymore.
The thought of suicide crossed my mind because I felt I had nothing to look forward to and nothing to even live for.
If it were as easy as just holding my breath, I would have done it.
Laying there I knew I needed help. And this wasn’t the first time that I thought about this but it was the most vivid thought I had of it.
Not knowing how to word it or even who I should reach out to, I decided to open up to my mom.
I told not what I had thought but I expressed how lost I felt and that I felt that I didn’t have a purpose.
In efforts to cheer me up, she said that I had a lot going for me. That I was smart, educated and athletic.
The last word was what stuck with me.
At that time I hadn’t ran in a few weeks and I had no goal to strive for. But for the past few months I had something on my mind…Bighorn 100.
Later that night, I committed to signing up and for the first time in a while I had something to look forward to. Something to wake up for. Over the years, and especially during the harder times, running was the only thing that got me out of bed. And once again, I was going back to doing just that.
Running gives me movement and measurable progress, which I think are essential to the human spirit. It also gives me an immense sense of accomplishment, each and every day.
I wake up, go to sleep, and every hour in between I think about running. I even think about running when I’m running.
It’s my passion and purpose. It gives me the chance to be the best possible person I can be and I will put all of my heart into my training.
In a way, the Bighorn 100 signifies life for me.
I am running from a darkness that I vow to never enter again. I am running towards the immense beauty that this world has to offer.
I can guarantee you right now, that not a single person will have more heart and drive than me at the start of the race because of where I came from and where I am today. I am happily living my dream right now and nothing will stop me from reaching my goals.
All of this has been on my mind for some time now. I guess my heart and mind has been wanting me to get that experience out of me. So finally sitting down to write this out will hopefully set me free and not weigh me down.
I have no idea if not wanting to live anymore is normal. I would imagine many people have maybe given it some thought before or maybe not. And like I said before I don’t want any sympathy. I wanted and needed to open up about something.
Maybe I needed the mental closure. I feel like it was just the right time to get it out and also for people to see why I want others to live like there is no tomorrow as well.
Going through those emotions has made me who I am and I am grateful for going through that.
I now feel that I approach things with more purpose and heart. It’s my new driving force and part of the fire the burns inside me. At one point I didn’t want anymore of this life, but now I am so fucking happy and grateful I am alive!
That gratitude is my why.
My motivational and inspirational posts might be redundant but there is a reasoning behind it. And now everyone knows.
Every moment and minute. Every day and year. All of that only comes once in your life. Never again. Every heartbeat and every breathe is a miracle in itself.
We don’t get these things ever again. Keep that in mind.
You will never experience this moment ever again. And the next moment could possibly be your last.
Take chances. Go after what you want. Speak your mind. Share your feelings. Listen to the voice inside you and go all out reaching for your dreams.
Whatever you do, do it with all of your heart. Embrace everything that comes your way with all of your heart. Whether that is love, work or crafting your passion, do it with all that you have to give.
Live, love, laugh, smile, hug, high five, kiss, hold, sing, dance and everything else, do it with all of your being.
With the right mindset, the best moment of your life could be this present moment.
Don’t stop living